My Third Legal Job and My Mental Health: Murtaugh Law Year 5

As I mentioned last time, I had a very good year financially in 2019 but the work started to take a toll on me. The work for the Town of Dayton required me to attend evening meetings that many times lasted until 10:00 PM or later. Usually, when I had a night meeting, the next day I felt drained and mentally exhausted and it took me a while to recover.

But I was used to that and I always pushed through and worked. The first week of January in 2020 I noticed blurriness in my right eye. I closed my right eye and my vision was completely blurry. When I closed my left eye, I could see out of my right eye with no problems. This became something that I dealt with almost the entire year. I was diagnosed with central serous retinopathy. It develops when a leak forms in the layer of cells that functions to keep fluid leaking into the area under the retina surface. There is a specific test used to distinguish central serous retinopathy from other conditions. The fluid behind the retina causes a unique photographic appearance that is very distinctive on the test.

It felt so different to have a physical health issue with an objective test, than my mental health issues. However, the cause of the eye condition was most likely physical or emotional stress. So, it was a little different but also the same in a way because it was a physical manifestation of stress, like what I have experienced due to anxiety and mood imbalances.

Of course, 2020 is when Covid appeared. I felt I was ahead of the game when it came to the pandemic. During the shutdown, I think my mental health was better than normal. There was less stress from work. After things reopened, I returned to the same work schedule. I hired a second intern who also worked a maximum of 12 hours per week and I continued to work until 6:30 PM Monday through Thursday and then did the Town of Dayton work, including the night meetings. By the end the winter, I was feeling symptoms of burnout again and I considered leaving the Town of Dayton role. I decided to continue because of the financial stability it brought.

Even though I was experiencing depression and some symptoms of burnout, the intensity was much less than what I experienced before. By this point, I had so many more tools and support. I was regularly participating in peer support calls, which I found very helpful. Usually, I would be able to manage my symptoms and limit the depression to 1-3 days. And even during those days that I didn’t feel myself, I was able to work through it and many times I would start off struggling in the morning but feel much better the second half of the day. I found that my sleep was one of the best tools to manage my mental health. When I fall asleep between 9-10 pm and sleep through the night, my next day is usually good. I have found that mental illness is a treatable condition. Usually, when I do the work to manage my condition like sleep, exercise, meditate, get outdoors, and address any neglected needs it results in recovering. The challenge is sometimes it takes several days or weeks to recover. I always tell myself that this will pass. It always does. But when you are in it and you are doing the work and you still feel miserable it gets tough. That is why peer support and therapy is so important. It can be hard to deal with the weight of mental illness on your own, even if you have all the knowledge and tools.

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My Third Legal Job and My Mental Health: Murtaugh Law Year 4

As I mentioned last time, I considered quitting Murtaugh Law in year 3. I decided to give it another chance and I am so glad I did. I changed my work schedule to work more hours. I worked until 6:30 PM every night, except Friday. I also took on a new job—-town attorney for the Town of Dayton. The Town of Dayton job provided consistent revenue.

I had also hired an experienced assistant who had prior experience as a law firm administrator at the time I decided to keep going. That employee turned out really great but decided to leave for a better opportunity in March. So, I also worked with minimal staff. That summer I hired an intern who worked 12 hours a week during the summer but could only work 6 hours a week the fall semester.

The combination of working longer hours, less staff, and the new role with the Town of Dayton solved the financial problems. It was the first time I made six figures. The total of the owner’s salary and profit that year was $117,864.00. I kept part of that in the business account so that I had a $20,000.00 account balance. It was the first time that I felt that security of having some money in reserves, so that I could still pay myself if I had a down month.

I felt great about the financial success but it took a toll on my health. I felt like it was not sustainable. And eventually my body broke down because of the stress. This time it was a physical health issue.

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My Third Legal Job and My Mental Health: Murtaugh Law Year 3

As I mentioned last time, I started working with a depression coach during the winter. He really just provided support and accountability. I felt that it helped me push through and get be back on track with my productivity. I also hired a full time assistant for the first time. I did not hire an experienced paralegal. But I did hire someone with more administrative work experience. The first two months with the new employee went great and then things changed drastically. By May, we both agreed that it would not work out and the employee resigned.

By this point, I was completely relying on my own clients. All of the cases that I had taken with me from the firm had already been settled and I had received the payment. By the middle of the year, I experienced financial struggles for the first time. Even though I was having some really good months, the revenue was still very up and down. The increased cost of hiring a more experienced assistant and not getting a return on that investment was a big hit. It meant that I could not pay myself some payrolls.

I was in the process of hiring a replacement and everything came to a sudden halt. The financial problems became an issue with me continuing the business. I felt I needed to give up the dream and go back to a steady paycheck. I did not hire a replacement and I started applying for jobs. But I really was not committed to finding a new job. And my mental health took a sharp decline. It triggered an episode of intense depression. Trying to continue to operate Murtaugh Law on my own while applying for new jobs was too much stress for me to handle. I remember one day I came home from lunch and my arm and hand went numb. Each day I went into the office was incredibly painful and it took all of my energy just to make it through the day. I felt like I had reverted back to where I was when I was pacing in the back stairwell.

I knew I really wanted to keep going with Murtaugh Law. It was what I really enjoyed doing. And it felt terrible to quit, especially only three years in. After a couple of months and no job offers, I decided to give Murtaugh Law a second chance.

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My Third Legal Job and My Mental Health: Murtaugh Law Year 2

The second year started off with a bang. As part of the separation agreement with the law firm, I took 5-7 worker’s compensation cases and 5-6 small personal injury cases with me. One of the worker’s compensation cases settled for more than any worker’s compensation case I had handled the entire time I was at the firm. So, all of the sudden I was flush with cash in the business bank account.

I used the money to invest in a class about estate planning. The course taught a specific business model for estate planning, which was something I knew I needed to learn more about. My mental health was still good for most of the second year. I did hit a wall at the end of the year at the beginning of winter.

By that time I had started doing trust plans, and I started to feel overwhelmed. I did not realize how much of a learning curve I faced. I started to struggle with procrastination again. So, I reached out Dan Lukasik, who was doing what he called depression coaching at the time. Working with Dan gave me some more structure. The advantage of working for yourself is that you gain control but the downside is you are the only person to create energy and hold yourself accountable. Dan was so supportive and had a system for me to follow and that was exactly what I needed. I felt so much better after I got a little more support.

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My Third Legal Job and My Mental Health: Murtaugh Law Year 1

After I resigned from the law firm and decided to start my own law firm, I became excited about working again. I was working during the day and at night. I was especially excited about working on business related things like a website, logo, and ideas for how to do things differently.

I had a lot of support right away. My best friend, Jake, volunteered his time to help. He has an M.B.A and has excellent employee management and trainings skills. Jake’s dad, Randy, is a retired accountant. He also volunteered to help me with financial tracking and cash flow forecasting.

My cousin, Zach, was my first employee. He had graduated from college and was considering law school. He was a very solid and dependable employee. He worked part-time for me and kept his other job at first. Later in the first year, he worked for me about 30 hours a week.

I also had the support of family and friends who used me as their lawyer. I did feel the stress of taking on such a big financial risk and the stress of operating a solo law firm and learning to do so many things that I had never done before. But my mental health was so much better. Marlee was born that year and I usually left the office at 5:00 PM. Courtney wanted me to come home to help with Marlee and I wanted to as well. I only remember a couple times that year when I experienced significant depression. I think it was mostly when winter hit. I have always struggled with my depression so much more in the winter months.

I feel that it helped my mental health to have control over my workload and to stop going to court and doing litigation as much.

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My Second Legal Job and My Mental Health: Associate and Partner at a Law Firm

Initially, the transition to private practice went really well.  I was hired at the same time that one of the partners in the firm left to become a magistrate judge.  A couple months before I was hired, the firm had a hire an associate who had just graduated from law school.  So, there were two partners who had 30 plus years of experience and two young lawyers both new to private practice and civil work. 

The partner who left the firm had a full worker’s compensation plaintiff practice and the remaining partners did not do any of that type of work.  So, the new associates inherited the worker’s compensation practice.  Many of the cases had been pending for more than three years.  The firm had taken over some of the cases from a sole practitioner that stopped doing worker’s compensation cases.  Two associate attorneys had left the firm in the year before we started.  So, we were the fourth attorney on the case in many instances. 

It was stressful work but I managed it pretty well.  I think it really helped that me and the other associate were both going through it together.  I did well for about 18 months and then I started to struggle again.  By the winter of 2013, I was having thoughts of leaving the legal profession because I was having long periods of depression. 

In the spring of 2014 we went on a family vacation to Mexico.  Before I left, I wrote down in a journal that I was done being a lawyer.  I even told my dad.  After I returned from vacation those thoughts and feelings passed.  I continued to be productive at work.  The depression became more and more intense.  At this point, it did not affect my work.  But I had several times where I was very depressed for 7-10 days at a time.  I would shut down after work and would not do things around the house like mow the lawn or take out the trash. 

I had a really productive year my third year at the firm.  I worked more that year.  I would often work from 8:00 AM – 6:30 PM.  I would also work some at home in the evenings and on the weekends.  I also volunteered to take on more work.  I wanted to make partner and was pushing myself as hard as possible to reach that goal.

Both me and the other associate were named partners starting January 1, 2015. I felt very proud that I reached my goal. But my mental health quickly declined. Looking back, it is still hard to understand why. It is so frustrating when even very exciting and positive transitions trigger my mental illness. All of the sudden, the joy of going to work and feeling satisfaction was replaced by feelings of dread and overwhelm. I would often be sitting in my office and not feel comfortable in my own skin and felt my teeth clenching and pressure in my chest.

The back staircase became my escape.  It was usually empty.  When I was feeling panicky, I would go the back staircase.  I would walk up and down.  I would go to the bottom and pace.  When I was in high distress, I would go to the back staircase.  I remember times when I would shake my hands in the air uncontrollably because I felt so much nervous energy in my body.  This was the only place that I could do these self-soothing behaviors.

I felt shame that I had to do this.  It made me feel weak and unstable.  It felt like behavior unbecoming of a law partner.

One day I was in my office and I emotional distress overwhelmed me. I started crying.  There was no reason for me to be upset.  I was able to compose myself but I didn’t feel like I could make it through the day.  So, I walked down the hallway and told the two attorneys close by that I needed to talk.  We went into the conference room and I told them that I struggle with depression.

I contacted JLAP in May 2015.  I remember how hard it was to ask for help.  I typed out the e-mail but could not convince myself to push send.  I remember looking up the phone number but not calling.  I think it took me 2-3 weeks to work up the courage to finally send this e-mail:

“I have been struggling with my depression lately.  I would like to talk someone at JLAP.  Please let me know how to do this.  Thanks.”

I did not have to contact JLAP.  I was already being treated and taking medicine.  I could have just started going to therapy more.  I did that. But I pushed myself to do more.  I decided to do everything I could to treat the disease.  Going to therapy was easy because it was familiar.  Contacting JLAP was scary.

Shortly after I sent the e-mail to JLAP in May 2015, I met with a JLAP clinical case manager. We discussed my situation and the services that JLAP offers.  I decided to meet with a JLAP mentor.  My JLAP mentor and I played a round of golf.  At that time, I was just beginning to think about sharing my diagnosis publicly. With a couple holes left to play, I brought up the subject.  We talked about it for 5-10 minutes and then finished up the round.  It was a very enjoyable time.

I think it motivated me to take the next step, attending a support group. I drove to Indianapolis and attended the JLAP Mental Health Support Group meeting.  I felt anxious on the drive down and even considered skipping it after I arrived in Indianapolis.  When I got to the meeting, I was nervous and felt hesitant to talk to the group.  I listened to other attorneys share their stories and then it was my turn to speak.  I was nervous.  I felt a lump in my throat and my chest was tight.  I did get some words out.  I told my story in a way that probably made people wonder why I was there.  I was not very open and did give many details.  I remember saying that I practice in Lafayette, I am a partner in a small firm, and I shared my bipolar diagnosis.  I talked about how I would like to write about mental health and how I want to get to the point where I can help other attorneys. 

After I spoke, I felt much lighter. After the meeting, one of the attorney participants gave me his card and told me to call him if I ever needed to talk.  I called him a few weeks later, and he recommended for me to see his psychiatrist. I did go to the psychiatrist and the dosage of my medication was increased.

The medication did need to be changed but it did not fix everything. Going to JLAP, doing more individual therapy, and the new medicine did not turn me back into the old Reid, overnight.

I had to deal with the reality of life. I was not myself at work—my productivity decreased and I spent too much time procrastinating. There was conflict with my law partners. I was young and overly aggressive, and I felt they were dismissive. Things were still going downhill. I felt hopeless. I just wanted relief.

I started to think should I get a new job? Should I change careers?

I was frustrated because everything had been so different the year before and I felt guilty for not producing at the same level as I had before. I did feel that it was just a backslide and I would return to my normal self but that did not matter in the moment. I lacked the insight that I have now. I unfairly put blame on external things and did not take ownership of my role in the situation. I tried to communicate my need for changes at the law firm to the law partners and it did not go well. I was too aggressive in my communication and actions and it negatively affected my relationship with the older law partners.

I pushed too far and they held an impromptu partner meeting after the staff left one day and informed me that I they decided I needed to take a leave of absence. It was the week before Thanksgiving, so they told me to go home and come back the next Monday. I felt the message was conveyed in a very tense tone and that I was being scolded. I felt intense shame and embarrassment. I immediately felt triggered and reacted defensively and things went south quickly. I knew that I would not be able to come back. It was too much a hit to my ego. A couple of days later I submitted my letter of resignation. I made a rash decision to start my own law firm.

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My First Legal Job and My Mental Health: Deputy Prosecutor

I graduated in 2009 in the middle on the recession. There were very few law graduates with job offers. I did not plan to move back home to Lafayette but I did not have options. I took the only job offer I had—-with the Tippecanoe County Prosecutor’s Office.

I have learned that I don’t deal well with transitions. And graduation, bar exam, moving to a new city, starting a new job all packed into a few months was a lot of transition. When I was in Lafayette I went to a psychiatrist and he started me on a new medicine, which was a mood stabilizer. I lived in an apartment by myself a block from the office.

The medicine did have some positive effects I did feel much more even with my moods. There was less swinging from a down and depressed mood where everything was a struggle to an elevated mood where I felt invincible and needed little sleep. But the medicine also made me want to sleep all the time.

After work on Fridays, I went to a bar across the street from the Courthouse, Chumley’s, which was the local watering hole for attorneys. I became friends with the young attorneys who worked in the prosecutor’s office, the public defender’s office, and in private practice. I started drinking again like I had in college. I would usually start drinking at Chumley’s at 5:00 PM and stay out all night.

When I really drank hard, I would have incredibly intense hangovers because of the medicine. I ended up stopping the mood stabilizer medicine because of how sleepy it made me. Sometimes, I could barely wake up in the morning—even if I went to bed early the night before.

I started in juvenile court. I liked working in juvenile court. It got me in court right away. When I first started, there were two other deputy prosecutors in juvenile court. One was very experienced and was my supervisor. He was a great mentor and I felt very supported. I became very comfortable in court and did some bench trials on my own. After about a year, I was moved to traffic court. I also enjoyed working in that court and also had a very experienced supervisor who was accessible. I don’t remember many times that I felt the work affected by mental health up to that point. However, when I was transferred to major felony court everything changed.

I would wake up in the middle of the night in a panic and sweating.  I remember handling a hearing on a petition to revoke probation and this wave of energy came over by body.  My brain was rebelling and it made me feel unstable.  I remember walking on the street downtown thinking that I should not be feeling this way and handling this type of work.  I felt like an imposter.

  A few weeks later, I handled two major felony jury trials on my own.  I was really scared and overwhelmed. Once the first trial got underway, the symptoms lessened and I was able to perform.  While I was preparing for the second trial, my brain was triggered.  My sleep became disturbed.  I started waking up in the middle of the night in a panic and could not fall back asleep.  The stress and lack of sleep affected my brain chemistry.  I was able to run on adrenaline to get through the second trial. 

I was struggling so much that I asked my boss to be moved back down to lower court (not major felonies).  My boss said that he wanted to stick with major felony work for a while and then we could reassess.  The stress continued to build over the next few months.  I decided to leave the prosecutor’s office and to go into private practice as an associate at a small law general practice law firm.

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The Bar Exam and My Mental Health

After graduation, I stayed on campus to take a bar exam review course. The course was usually in the morning and then we go to the library for the afternoon. At first, we studied 8 hours a day five days per week. Closer to the exam, we started studying at night. A couple of weeks out, it was all day all night. By that point I felt like I had invested so much time in studying that I wanted to do as much as I could each day, to make sure I didn’t have to put myself through this again.

When I completed the bar exam application, I disclosed my history of mental illness.  The Indiana Board of Law Examiners referred me to the Indiana Judges and Lawyers Assistance Program (JLAP).  I was required to provide JLAP with records from my therapist, psychologist, and psychiatrist.  The process took a couple of months, while I waited to hear my fate.

So, I had the stress of studying for the bar exam and the stress of the mental health review on top of it. I feel that I was fortunate at that time for being in Indiana. I was told that I was taking medicine and going to therapy so the file was closed and I could get my law license. At that time, things were so much different. I may have not received my law license at that time if I applied in a different state. At least not right away. I may have been issued a conditional license with reporting requirements.

Fast forward to the day of the bar exam. I stayed in a hotel room the night before and I woke up and my bed was still covered in flash cards. I barely slept. Any time I fell asleep my mind was still racing and I woke up quickly after. I was so afraid of oversleeping. During the test, I remember my leg started bouncing because I had so much nervous energy and I couldn’t make it stop. I think my leg bounced the entire two days of testing but I made it through.

I survived the summer of studying and the bar exam without any significant mental health struggles. It was a good thing that I was proactive and took care of my mental health before it became a major problem.

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Law School and My Mental Health

I applied to several law schools in Indiana and I was not accepted to any. I was initially denied admission at Valparaiso University School of Law but I received a second letter saying that I had been admitted on a part-time basis. This meant I had to take a reduced number of hours my first and second semester. If my grades were high enough, then I would be able to be a full time student starting my second year.

My first year grades were high enough to become a full time student. I then took summer classes and starting the uphill climb to catch up. I took 17 and 18 credit hours my second year and was able to graduate in three years on time with the rest of my classmates.

During my first and second year of law school, my mental illness was still untreated. I was not taking medicine and was not in therapy. Then in my third year, I started to experience significant depression and anxiety. I remember feeling so overwhelmed and fearful that I would not be able to complete all of the work. I had irritational fears of failing my classes. I did return to individual therapy. However, I did not tell anyone at the law school about my mental health. I did not engage with any of the support services they offered. Honestly, I just never even thought about it. I just didn’t feel like it was for me.

Another thing on my mind in my third year was the bar exam and the character and fitness application. I knew that I would have to answer question about my mental health on the character and fitness application. I think that is one thing that motivated me to go to a psychologist for a diagnosis review. The pyschologist did extensive testing and diagnosed me with cyclothymic disorder. I started taking Paxil, the same medicine I took when I was in high school. My therapist helped me overcome the intense anxiety and remember some of the tools she had taught me to help me cope with the depression and anxiety. I kept all of this private. I think the only people who knew were my mom, dad, sister, and my law school girlfriend.

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My Childhood and the First Time My Mental Illness Surfaced

I was a very compliant kid. One of my first memories of this is when I was in kindergarten. One morning before school, my mom put a glass mercury thermometer under my arm. She told me to not lift my arm. My mom got busy helping my sister, Ali, and forgot about the thermometer. A couple hours later, my teacher called my mom to ask why I was sent school with a glass thermometer under my arm.

I remember being a happy kid. I did my own hair every day before kindergarten---hair gel and spiked straight up---and being excited to go to school. We lived in a neighborhood filled with other families and there were plenty of kids for me to play with. I made friends with older kids and played back yard football.  I remember all the kids in the neighborhood sledding on the neighbors hill in the winter and chasing lighting bugs in the summer.

I was born and raised in Lafayette, Indiana in 1984—so a millennial. I am the oldest child and have one sibling, my younger sister, Ali. My mom graduated from Purdue University and was a member of the varsity cheerleading team. My dad went to Vincennes University and received an associate’s degree and then started his career at the Tippecanoe County Sheriff’s Department.

Ali and I played together and got along well. My mom did everything with me and Ali. She loved being a mom so much and put in so much effort to raise and support me and Ali. I don’t remember my mom and dad arguing or yelling in front of me and Ali. My dad worked long hours but when my dad was not working he was very devoted to spending quality time with me and Ali. I missed him when he was away. I am sure I felt sad, but I never would have thought to tell my parents that I felt sad.  I developed the habit at an early age to minimize any negative emotions and keep them below the surface.

When I was in fourth grade, my dad decided to run for sheriff.  I remember my parents telling me this meant that whenever we are in public, people will know who we are and watch how we act.  I think most kids would have let this go in one ear and out the other. I took it very seriously. I put pressure on myself and I guess some pressure was put on me to behave to help my parents look good. I loved my parents very much and I always wanted to make them proud of me.

The campaign brought along a lot of things that I did not like doing. I tagged along with my dad to fish fries, fundraisers, and other public events. I was painfully shy.  It became common place to walk around with my dad and talk to people who I didn’t know but they knew me.  I learned how to manage on the outside but it made me squeamish on the inside.  Again I never thought to tell my parents how I was feeling.

My dad won the election.  After my dad became sheriff, I was treated differently. All of the sudden, when we were in public it felt like everyone knew me. Kids at my school started calling me the Sheriff’s Son. When I turned on the TV my dad was now regularly on the news. I remember one news story that made quite an impact on me. A stolen pickup truck, loaded with explosive devices, was intentionally driven into the Tippecanoe County Courthouse. Luckily, the explosive devices failed to detonate and only smoke and water damage resulted. An attempted courthouse bombing sent shockwaves through our safe close-knit community. The law enforcement response was intense. The FBI and federal investigators from across the country quickly became involved and my dad was in the center of it all. Unfortunately, no arrest was ever made.

It was never talked about in our family but I always knew that when my dad left for work, especially when he got called out in the middle of the night, that he may not make it home. I think that is something on the minds of any child in a law enforcement family. When my dad came home from work, he did not talk about work, ever. I never talked to my parents or anyone about how that made me feel. It was just I was used to. I did not know anything different. Fortunately, my dad had an outstanding career in politics and is now retired and is healthy and enjoying being a grandfather to my two kids and Ali’s two kids.

Being the sheriff’s son was not all bad. I would get to do things like escort Dick Vitale, the ESPN commentator, in my dad’s police car, when ESPN came to broadcast Purdue basketball games.  My sister and I got to ride in an old-fashioned police car during the local Christmas parade.  From second grade on, I went to all of the Purdue games with my dad. We would first go to the visiting team’s hotel and lead the police escort to the stadium. Then I would go with my dad on the field and in the locker rooms before the game.

I was in fifth grade when I had my first girlfriend. I remember being at the house and the phone rang. My parents answered the phone and told me it was for me. I picked up the phone and my girlfriend was on the other line. I remember thinking, I did not realize having a girlfriend meant talking on the phone.  How do I get myself out of this? I doubt that I had even told my parents that I had a girlfriend and was not looking forward to that conversation. Not surprisingly, that didn’t last long. She broke up with me for another boy a few weeks later. I was relieved.

I remember being happy and had several friends in sixth grade. I had always played baseball in the summer and played on the all-start teams. I also made friends from playing basketball.  In seventh grade, I played football and basketball for the middle school team. In the spring, I joined the middle school golf team. I still wasn’t that interested in girls. I remember having one girlfriend in seventh grade but I broke up with her after a few weeks, right before the incentive class field trip to an amusement park because I didn’t want to be coupled up for that. As my peers began to experiment with alcohol and drugs, I started to isolate socially because of being the sheriff’s son. I decided to avoid any gatherings where alcohol or drugs may be involved.

One day my mom asked me if I liked any girls at school.  Of course, I liked the prettiest girl in the school who was out of my league. I told my mom the name of the girl and she did not have the best reaction. She told me that she thought she was “hot-to-trot”.  I didn’t know what that meant. I asked my mom and she said that means she wants to have sex. I was in sixth grade of course that was not true. It did make me feel more timid about girls. Maybe that is what my mom was going for.

I went with a group of friends to a haunted mansion. It was a group of girls and boys and was one of the first times I had done that. After the haunted mansion, we went to the house of the girl that I liked. I forgot to call my parents when I got to the girl’s house. My parents got really nervous because I had not called, so they called the girl’s parents. Instead of just letting me stay, since they knew where I was, they came and picked me up. I got reamed out by my mom at the girl’s house and everyone knew I had to leave because I was in trouble. I never went back to the girls house.

My first kiss was the summer before eighth grade. I was at Columbian Park with a group of friends outside the baseball stadium. We were there for the Colt World Series, which is baseball tournament. Somehow it was arranged between our friends that this girl and I were going to kiss.  We met each other under a tree and we French kissed.  She became my girlfriend. A couple weeks later I got to second base, while we were at her house watching tv with a group of her friends.

One day we had a half-day of school and I went with her to a boys house who I didn’t know and my parents did not know the boys parents. Usually, my parents only let me do something like that if they knew the parents. If they knew where I was going they would not have approved.

There was a group of boys and girls hanging out and the parents left us unsupervised. There were bunk beds and we were all laying together watching tv. I started making out with my girlfriend and then put my hand up her shirt like I had done before. Then I kept going. I took off her bra, put my head under the covers and sucked her tits. Talking to girls was not my strong suit but I like the physical part. When I left, I did not feel like I had done anything wrong.

What I didn’t realize was that we were the first or one of the first in our circle to do that. So, what we did became gossip. Especially since I was the sheriff’s son and had such a reputation as a rule follower. Kids started asking me about it at school. I hated it. I felt like everyone in school knew and everybody was talking about it.  This is the first time I remember feeling shame. And it felt intense.  I did not want to feel like that ever again. The experience made me shy away from girls and I crawled closer into my shell.

I did not have a girlfriend the first couple years of high school. I did go to a few dances but did not have much of a social life. I did go to a dance my junior year with a girl who I dated for a couple months. And that was it—-just one girlfriend in high school and no sex.

My mom did not work while I was in high school so she could spend more time us.  She made us a hot breakfast every day before school.  In the summer, she drove me across the state to play in junior golf tournaments.  I did not have a job until after I graduated from high school. 

I was obsessive about studying and my grades. I felt a lot of pressure to achieve but it was all internal pressure.  I was a straight A student, but I didn’t score high on the SAT.   My parents told me I could go to any college I wanted.  I had my mind made up that I wanted to go out of state.  I decided to apply to Duke, Emory, Vanderbilt, Wake Forest, and North Carolina.  DePauw University and Wabash College were my in-state safety schools.  Then one day in the fall of my senior year, everything changed.

I ran out of my neighborhood and turned right and ran on 9th Street until I got to 350 South.  Then I turned right and ran on 350 South until I got to  Poland Hill Road.  I turned right on 300 South and ran back to 9th Street.  I then turned left and ran on 9th Street to Armstrong Park.  I then turned around and ran south on 9th Street.  I passed the railroad tracks, crossed the intersection to the Other Pub Restaurant, and crossed Twychenham Boulevard.

The next thing I knew I was on the ground.  I felt fatigued in a way I have never felt before.  I wasn’t in any pain.  I didn’t trip. I did not twist an ankle or injure myself in any way.  I just collapsed.  I was laying in the grass because I had zero energy.  It was like I ran into an imaginer brick wall.  I did not even have the energy to open my eyes.  I felt numb.  I was laying in the grass on a street with cars driving by and I was just lying there.  After a couple minutes of this went by I was able to open my eyes.  I then struggled to move a limb.  Eventually, I was able to move my arms and push myself up into a seated position.  I wanted to lay back down but I forced myself to stand up.  I took a couple steps and went straight back to the ground. 

It felt like a bad dream.  I felt semi-paralyzed.  I was so confused.  I have never experienced something like this ever before.   After a couple more times of struggling to stand up and collapsing back to the ground after a couple of steps I remember thinking how am I going to make it home?

I don’t remember the exact chain of events but I know I was in the local hospital for a couple days.  The doctors did all kind of testing on my brain and everything came back normal.  My parents drove me to Minneapolis to the Mayo Clinic.  Same result.  A lot of testing, everything came back normal. 

For several months, I could not make it through the entire school day without having an episode during class.  My brain would just shut down. I couldn’t keep my eyes open and I would have to put my head down on the desk.  Someone in my class would help me walk to the nurse’s office.  It was bizarre.  I had never asked to be excused from class or even been to the nurse’s office before.  There were several times where doing homework caused my brain to shut down in the same way.  I got behind in my classes and decided to drop my Advanced Placement Calculus Class.  I was worried that I was not going to be able to complete my classes and graduate on time.  I went from being a high performer to mentally impaired.

Before this happened, I was always motivated to pay attention in class, complete my homework, and study for tests.   It was just what I did.  I woke up and did it without a thought.  Suddenly, I entered a new world. 

 I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder.  I was prescribed Paxil and started working with a therapist. The episodes continued for several months but the medicine and therapy helped to lessen the symptoms.  By the spring semester, I learned how to use self-management tools and was able to resume my normal class schedule.  By summer, I had fully recovered. 

My parents were very concerned about me taking the medicine that was prescribed.  They did their own research and read the disclaimers and it scared them.  They read about the possible correlation with suicide.  Even though I had been diagnosed with general anxiety disorder, we didn’t view it as a permanent illness. So, when I started feeling much better my parents encouraged me to stop taking the medicine.  I was even told that it was okay for me to say that I don’t have depression when I am asked about my medical history.  When I left home and started my first semester of college that fall I stopped going to therapy.

The medicine, the therapy, and the increased awareness allowed me to regain my normal way of life. But the question in the back of my head remained, was I cured or will it happen again? I basically went off to college with an untreated mental illness.

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Alcohol and My Mental Health

My dad was elected Tippecanoe County Sheriff in 1994, when I was in 4th grade. He was the Sheriff during the rest of elementary school and all of middle school and high school. I chose to not drink alcohol during high school. I did not even go to parties where there may be alcohol. The first time I drank was right before graduation my senior year. The first time I drank I drank beer and hard alcohol and drank enough to not remember the end of the night. I woke up with no hangover. The next time I drank was during a college visit. I remember driving to a liquor store to get beer and coming back to a fraternity. Shortly after that I blacked out. I woke up the next morning with puke on my shirt but no hangover.

After that, I drank much more frequently. I drank so much beer at a party that summer that I developed an aversion to beer and only drank hard alcohol for the first semester at college. I rushed a fraternity at DePauw and after that I started drinking beer again. In college, I did nothing to manage my mental health. No medicine and no therapy. So, I was basically self-medicating with alcohol. I drank a lot and blacked out frequently.

I had a few embarrassing moments but I was able to manage my drinking to get myself home every night and never was arrested. For example, one time my dad and my sister came to campus early to pick up a truck that I borrowed. It was the same day as rush and it was Super Bowl Sunday. I drank during rush and then tried to avoid passing out before my dad and sister came but I did not succeed. I had told my roommate that my parents were coming and asked him to wake me up if I passed out. Of course, he was drunk too and instead he drew a penis on my forehead. When my dad and Ali arrived, I had no clue I had a penis on my head. And one time I went to spring break in Florida with a group of guys from the fraternity and I decided to shave my head with a straight razor when I was highly intoxicated.

During law school, I drank less but still had occasional nights where I would drink enough to black out. It was when I got older that I had more problems when I drank too much. I had a few occasions where I drank too much and blacked out and was not able to make it home without help. One time I went to Michigan on a golf trip and I spent the night in the hospital and was lucky to avoid jail.

I tried to stop drinking on my own without any treatment in 2019. I did not drink for six months. But a vacation in Jamaica ended that. I decided to try moderation. That did work for a while—I would drink one beer per hour and no more than three. But that didn’t last long. I was able to avoid blackouts for almost two years. But then I messed up. I drank too much the night before Thanksgiving. Instead of getting an uber home, I walked and ran home in the rain. By that time it was 3:30 in the morning. At first, Courtney could not get a hold of me. I did return her call but it was too late. She called my parents and my dad drove and found me before I mad it home. I woke up on my parents couch in the morning.

That was enough for me to revoke my drinking privileges for good. My parents had made some calls and told me they were taking me to St. Vincent in Indianapolis to the stress center. I ended up doing an outpatient program—-a duel diagnosis program (substance use and mental health)—and have been sober since November 25, 2021.

The type of medicine that I took for my bipolar II condition did allow me to drink alcohol but I knew that drinking on the medicine was not a good idea. Sobriety has changed my life for the better in so many ways. It has helped me manage the bipolar so much better. I feel so much more reliable.

It feels great to wake up every weekend without a hangover. The past few years before I got sober, the hangovers were so bad. Sometimes I felt like I didn’t fully recovery from the weekend until Wednesday. And it made having young children so much harder. I currently have a six year old daughter and a one year old son and I am a single dad living in an apartment. I don’t know how I would have been able to manage this past year without being sober. My kids were a big motivation for me. I wanted them to have a sober dad who was reliable and I work on that one day at a time for them and for myself.

Sobriety is different for everyone. I can go to restaurants and bars and socialize and not drink. I have found non-alcoholic options that I like to drink at home, at tailgates, at restaurants/bars, and at the golf course. Before, I almost always drank when I played golf. So that was an adjustment. I am lucky that I have been able to still play with a group of guys who are supportive of me not drinking.

Sobriety has also helped me get in really good shape. I have been going to hot yoga classes and have learned how to do a headstand. In the winter, I go 3-4 times a week and I feel like I am in the best shape of my life at 38 years old. I feel so much younger than 38 and many people tell me I look much younger. I feel that I have my sobriety to thank for that.

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Other Disclosures: Mark Goldstein, February 12, 2019

•www.law.com

•February 12, 2019

•“Scared. Ashamed. Crippled.: How One Lawyer Overcame Living with Depression in Big Law.”

Mark Goldstein – The Story

•Symptoms started over Labor Day Weekend 2017

•Mentally crippling cognitions and physical side effects

•For next month and a half, “I searched high and low for a path to reclaim a life that I felt slipping further away by the day.”

•“As for work, I simply could not function”, he said.

•Realized he needed time away to address his issues and seek professional care and help

•10/16/2017: Took a leave of absence; firm told him to take all the time he needs

•He felt when he walked out of the office that day that he would never return

•He started a challenging journey of self reflection

•Reevaluated his personal goals

•Worked with a psychiatrist, psychologist, and cognitive behavioral therapist

•Accepted that the conditions from which he suffers are disabilities, no different than physical impairments

•On January 2, 2018, he returned to work at his law firm

Mark Goldstein – How I relate

•When he said he felt his life slipping away that resonated with me

•Journey of self reflection and learning tools to cope

•Seeking professional help allowed him to function as a lawyer

Citation: https://www.law.com/americanlawyer/2019/02/12/scared-ashamed-crippled-how-one-lawyer-overcame-living-with-depression-in-big-law/?slreturn=20221130153040

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Other Disclosures: Mariah Carey, April 11, 2018

People Magazine April 11, 2018

Mariah Carey, My Battle With Bipolar Disorder

https://people.com/music/mariah-carey-bipolar-disorder-diagnosis-exclusive/

Mariah Carey – The Story

•Diagnosed with bipolar in 2001

•Kept diagnosis private

•Lived in constant fear someone would expose her

•Experienced hypomania characteristic of bipolar II disorder

•Felt irritable

•In constant fear of letting people down

•Working around the clock

•Depression for her

•Hit a wall, low energy

•Felt lonely and sad

•Even guilty that she was not doing what she needed to be doing for her career

Mariah Carey – How I relate

•Hypomania

•Depression for me feels like hitting a wall

•Feelings of guilt for not doing what I needed to be doing at work

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Other Disclosures: Kevin Love, March 6, 2018

Theplayerstribune.com

“Everyone is Going Through Something”

Kevin Love – The Story

•Stress at home

•Lack of Sleep

•On the basketball court, expectations felt like a weight

•It happened during a game. “I knew something was wrong almost right after tip-off,” he said.

•Played 15 minutes in first half and game was just off

•Third quarter, coach called timeout, when he got to the bench, he felt

•heart racing faster than usual

•Trouble catching breath

•Everything was spinning

•Like brain was trying to climb out of his head

•Air felt thick and heavy

•Mouth was like chalk

•Knew he couldn’t go back into the game

•Couldn’t do it physically

•Blurted to coach, “I’ll be right back” and ran back to the locker room

•Running from room to room

•“It was like my body was trying to say to me, You’re about to die.”

Kevin Love – How I relate

•Relate to everything other than being a professional athlete

•Similar to my first panic attack---the run my senior year of high school

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Other Disclosures: Joe Milowic III, March 28, 2018

•New York Law Journal

•“Quinn Emanuel Partner Suffers from Depression and He wants Everyone to Know”

Joe Milowic – The Story

•Went to doctor complaining of exhaustion and lack of energy

•Diagnosed with prehypertension

•Doctor put him on a low-carb diet and referred him to a diabetes specialist

•He monitored his glucose levels strictly but things got worse

•Questioned purpose of work and even life

•What was the point of it all?

•Why spend so many hours working at a job that seems so pointless

•“I sent an email to the diabetes specialist telling him that I’d decided to leave my job because it lacked meaning for me and was making me sick (thought I noted that everything seemed to lack meaning for me).

•Joe wrote it was a cry for help.

•Fortunately, the diabetes specialist recognized the symptoms and referred Joe to psychiatrist who diagnosed major depression

Joe Milowic – How I relate

•lack of meaning with work

•Kept things private

•Felt bad about staying quiet

•Belief that speaking out could be impactful

Reaching Out – Email to Joe Milowic III

Hi Joe,

I just read your article on law.com about your experience with depression.  You did an excellent job of telling your story.  I am interested in learning more about your online support group.  You are the first person that I have learned about who is currently practicing and has publicly disclosed a mental health condition. 

I have bipolar II and have publicly disclosed my diagnosis through published articles.  I have a solo practice in Lafayette, Indiana and have been practicing for 9 years. I have connected with some attorneys across the country who have shared their diagnosis/experience with me but they have not publicly disclosed. 

You should be very proud of your contribution.  This is very important work.

Take care,

Reid

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Other Disclosure: Keith O’Neil July 11, 2017

•July 11, 2017 Published a Book: “Under My Helmet: A Football Player’s Lifelong Battle with Bipolar Disorder.

•Created a Facebook Group and Publicly shared diagnosis

•Book does not say the disclosure date

Keith O’Neil – The Story

•Anxiety and trouble sleeping as a teenager

•Original diagnosis: anxiety disorder

•Wife had a miscarriage and that triggered a manic episode

•Diagnosed with bipolar 1 at age 30

Keith O’Neil – How I relate

•Struggling as a teenager

•Delayed bipolar diagnosis

•Triggers

Other Disclosures: Dr. Adam Hill, June 25, 2017

Dr. Adam Hill – The Story

•In 2016, he first disclosed; presented a lecture to his colleagues about a case he knew well---his own

•In March of 2017, he shared his path to recovery by writing a first-person account in the prestigious New England Journal of Medicine

•December 2019 his book was published: “Long Walk Out of the Woods: A Physician’s Story of Addiction, Depression, Hope, and Recovery

•Drove to a park, walked deep into the woods, settled under trees and tried to drink himself to death

•He hated his job in medicine

•Medical School left him in debt

•Depression had returned, darker than ever

•“I was just done,” he said. I was just broken and exhausted and didn’t see a way out.

•That night, he called his wife.

•At first, he refused to speak, they sat on the phone in silence

•Eventually he told her where to find him

•The next day, he entered counseling.

Dr. Adam Hill – How I relate

•On June 26, 2017 I read the Indy Star article and then reached out to Adam.

•I sent this message through Facebook:

•“I enjoyed reading the article about you in the Indy Star. Thank you for sharing. I am an attorney and publicly shared my bipolar II diagnosis in an article in the Indiana Lawyer in January.

•He promptly responded and we exchanged a few messages.

Dr. Adam Hill – The Impact

•I felt affirmed in my decision to disclose

•I felt a connection on different level, even though we have never met

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Other Disclosures: Jon Hamm, June 2, 2017

•www.huffpost.com

•“John Hamm Just Said the Most Swoon-Worthy Thing About Therapy.”

Jon Hamm – The Story

•Sister said you need to see someone

•You are sleeping until 4:00 in the afternoon, something is not right, you are not well

•Sister convinced him to go to therapy for the first time

•In 2015, competed treatment program for alcohol

•“Medical attention is medical attention, whether it’s for your elbow or your teeth, or for your brain.”

Jon Hamm – How I relate

•Dual diagnosis: depression and alcohol

•Need it to lift yourself up enough to be self-motivated

•I’ve tried to go without medicine or therapy and it just doesn’t work for me. It makes life hell

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Other Disclosures: Emma Stone May 8, 2017

www.hopetocope.com

“Actress Emma Stone Opens Up About Struggling with Anxiety”

Emma Stone – The Story

•First experienced anxiety at age 15

•As a teenager, moved to LA with her mom and struggled through disastrous auditions

•Separation anxiety was so severe at one point that she stopped going to friends’ homes

•After several years of rejection, started to pick up acting work

•In 2017, she shared her experience publicly in a Speak Up for Kids Campaign

On being sensitive:

“To be a sensitive person that cares a lot, that takes things in a deep way, is actually part of what makes you amazing and is one of the greatest gifts of life. You think a lot and you feel a lot and deeply—and it’s the best.” She then explained that she wouldn’t trade her ability to ‘feel a lot’ and ‘feel deeply’ for the world, even when faced with hard times.”

Emma Stone – How I relate

•Sensitive brain

•Hard to have a sensitive trait as a man

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Other Disclosures: Actor Wentworth Miller May 1, 2017

www.hopetocope.com

“Wentworth Miller’s Escape From Stigma”, by Esperanza

Wentworth Miller – The Story

•First disclosed in Facebook post in 2016, “2010 was the lowest point in my adult life, he said.”

•He shared a lifelong struggle with depression

•Suffered in silence

•“Ashamed and in pain, I considered myself damaged goods. And the voices in my head urged me down the path to self-destruction.”

Wentworth Miller – How I relate

•Feelings of shame and insecurity

•Suffering in silence

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