Alcohol and My Mental Health
My dad was elected Tippecanoe County Sheriff in 1994, when I was in 4th grade. He was the Sheriff during the rest of elementary school and all of middle school and high school. I chose to not drink alcohol during high school. I did not even go to parties where there may be alcohol. The first time I drank was right before graduation my senior year. The first time I drank I drank beer and hard alcohol and drank enough to not remember the end of the night. I woke up with no hangover. The next time I drank was during a college visit. I remember driving to a liquor store to get beer and coming back to a fraternity. Shortly after that I blacked out. I woke up the next morning with puke on my shirt but no hangover.
After that, I drank much more frequently. I drank so much beer at a party that summer that I developed an aversion to beer and only drank hard alcohol for the first semester at college. I rushed a fraternity at DePauw and after that I started drinking beer again. In college, I did nothing to manage my mental health. No medicine and no therapy. So, I was basically self-medicating with alcohol. I drank a lot and blacked out frequently.
I had a few embarrassing moments but I was able to manage my drinking to get myself home every night and never was arrested. For example, one time my dad and my sister came to campus early to pick up a truck that I borrowed. It was the same day as rush and it was Super Bowl Sunday. I drank during rush and then tried to avoid passing out before my dad and sister came but I did not succeed. I had told my roommate that my parents were coming and asked him to wake me up if I passed out. Of course, he was drunk too and instead he drew a penis on my forehead. When my dad and Ali arrived, I had no clue I had a penis on my head. And one time I went to spring break in Florida with a group of guys from the fraternity and I decided to shave my head with a straight razor when I was highly intoxicated.
During law school, I drank less but still had occasional nights where I would drink enough to black out. It was when I got older that I had more problems when I drank too much. I had a few occasions where I drank too much and blacked out and was not able to make it home without help. One time I went to Michigan on a golf trip and I spent the night in the hospital and was lucky to avoid jail.
I tried to stop drinking on my own without any treatment in 2019. I did not drink for six months. But a vacation in Jamaica ended that. I decided to try moderation. That did work for a while—I would drink one beer per hour and no more than three. But that didn’t last long. I was able to avoid blackouts for almost two years. But then I messed up. I drank too much the night before Thanksgiving. Instead of getting an uber home, I walked and ran home in the rain. By that time it was 3:30 in the morning. At first, Courtney could not get a hold of me. I did return her call but it was too late. She called my parents and my dad drove and found me before I mad it home. I woke up on my parents couch in the morning.
That was enough for me to revoke my drinking privileges for good. My parents had made some calls and told me they were taking me to St. Vincent in Indianapolis to the stress center. I ended up doing an outpatient program—-a duel diagnosis program (substance use and mental health)—and have been sober since November 25, 2021.
The type of medicine that I took for my bipolar II condition did allow me to drink alcohol but I knew that drinking on the medicine was not a good idea. Sobriety has changed my life for the better in so many ways. It has helped me manage the bipolar so much better. I feel so much more reliable.
It feels great to wake up every weekend without a hangover. The past few years before I got sober, the hangovers were so bad. Sometimes I felt like I didn’t fully recovery from the weekend until Wednesday. And it made having young children so much harder. I currently have a six year old daughter and a one year old son and I am a single dad living in an apartment. I don’t know how I would have been able to manage this past year without being sober. My kids were a big motivation for me. I wanted them to have a sober dad who was reliable and I work on that one day at a time for them and for myself.
Sobriety is different for everyone. I can go to restaurants and bars and socialize and not drink. I have found non-alcoholic options that I like to drink at home, at tailgates, at restaurants/bars, and at the golf course. Before, I almost always drank when I played golf. So that was an adjustment. I am lucky that I have been able to still play with a group of guys who are supportive of me not drinking.
Sobriety has also helped me get in really good shape. I have been going to hot yoga classes and have learned how to do a headstand. In the winter, I go 3-4 times a week and I feel like I am in the best shape of my life at 38 years old. I feel so much younger than 38 and many people tell me I look much younger. I feel that I have my sobriety to thank for that.
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