My Second Legal Job and My Mental Health: Associate and Partner at a Law Firm
Initially, the transition to private practice went really well. I was hired at the same time that one of the partners in the firm left to become a magistrate judge. A couple months before I was hired, the firm had a hire an associate who had just graduated from law school. So, there were two partners who had 30 plus years of experience and two young lawyers both new to private practice and civil work.
The partner who left the firm had a full worker’s compensation plaintiff practice and the remaining partners did not do any of that type of work. So, the new associates inherited the worker’s compensation practice. Many of the cases had been pending for more than three years. The firm had taken over some of the cases from a sole practitioner that stopped doing worker’s compensation cases. Two associate attorneys had left the firm in the year before we started. So, we were the fourth attorney on the case in many instances.
It was stressful work but I managed it pretty well. I think it really helped that me and the other associate were both going through it together. I did well for about 18 months and then I started to struggle again. By the winter of 2013, I was having thoughts of leaving the legal profession because I was having long periods of depression.
In the spring of 2014 we went on a family vacation to Mexico. Before I left, I wrote down in a journal that I was done being a lawyer. I even told my dad. After I returned from vacation those thoughts and feelings passed. I continued to be productive at work. The depression became more and more intense. At this point, it did not affect my work. But I had several times where I was very depressed for 7-10 days at a time. I would shut down after work and would not do things around the house like mow the lawn or take out the trash.
I had a really productive year my third year at the firm. I worked more that year. I would often work from 8:00 AM – 6:30 PM. I would also work some at home in the evenings and on the weekends. I also volunteered to take on more work. I wanted to make partner and was pushing myself as hard as possible to reach that goal.
Both me and the other associate were named partners starting January 1, 2015. I felt very proud that I reached my goal. But my mental health quickly declined. Looking back, it is still hard to understand why. It is so frustrating when even very exciting and positive transitions trigger my mental illness. All of the sudden, the joy of going to work and feeling satisfaction was replaced by feelings of dread and overwhelm. I would often be sitting in my office and not feel comfortable in my own skin and felt my teeth clenching and pressure in my chest.
The back staircase became my escape. It was usually empty. When I was feeling panicky, I would go the back staircase. I would walk up and down. I would go to the bottom and pace. When I was in high distress, I would go to the back staircase. I remember times when I would shake my hands in the air uncontrollably because I felt so much nervous energy in my body. This was the only place that I could do these self-soothing behaviors.
I felt shame that I had to do this. It made me feel weak and unstable. It felt like behavior unbecoming of a law partner.
One day I was in my office and I emotional distress overwhelmed me. I started crying. There was no reason for me to be upset. I was able to compose myself but I didn’t feel like I could make it through the day. So, I walked down the hallway and told the two attorneys close by that I needed to talk. We went into the conference room and I told them that I struggle with depression.
I contacted JLAP in May 2015. I remember how hard it was to ask for help. I typed out the e-mail but could not convince myself to push send. I remember looking up the phone number but not calling. I think it took me 2-3 weeks to work up the courage to finally send this e-mail:
“I have been struggling with my depression lately. I would like to talk someone at JLAP. Please let me know how to do this. Thanks.”
I did not have to contact JLAP. I was already being treated and taking medicine. I could have just started going to therapy more. I did that. But I pushed myself to do more. I decided to do everything I could to treat the disease. Going to therapy was easy because it was familiar. Contacting JLAP was scary.
Shortly after I sent the e-mail to JLAP in May 2015, I met with a JLAP clinical case manager. We discussed my situation and the services that JLAP offers. I decided to meet with a JLAP mentor. My JLAP mentor and I played a round of golf. At that time, I was just beginning to think about sharing my diagnosis publicly. With a couple holes left to play, I brought up the subject. We talked about it for 5-10 minutes and then finished up the round. It was a very enjoyable time.
I think it motivated me to take the next step, attending a support group. I drove to Indianapolis and attended the JLAP Mental Health Support Group meeting. I felt anxious on the drive down and even considered skipping it after I arrived in Indianapolis. When I got to the meeting, I was nervous and felt hesitant to talk to the group. I listened to other attorneys share their stories and then it was my turn to speak. I was nervous. I felt a lump in my throat and my chest was tight. I did get some words out. I told my story in a way that probably made people wonder why I was there. I was not very open and did give many details. I remember saying that I practice in Lafayette, I am a partner in a small firm, and I shared my bipolar diagnosis. I talked about how I would like to write about mental health and how I want to get to the point where I can help other attorneys.
After I spoke, I felt much lighter. After the meeting, one of the attorney participants gave me his card and told me to call him if I ever needed to talk. I called him a few weeks later, and he recommended for me to see his psychiatrist. I did go to the psychiatrist and the dosage of my medication was increased.
The medication did need to be changed but it did not fix everything. Going to JLAP, doing more individual therapy, and the new medicine did not turn me back into the old Reid, overnight.
I had to deal with the reality of life. I was not myself at work—my productivity decreased and I spent too much time procrastinating. There was conflict with my law partners. I was young and overly aggressive, and I felt they were dismissive. Things were still going downhill. I felt hopeless. I just wanted relief.
I started to think should I get a new job? Should I change careers?
I was frustrated because everything had been so different the year before and I felt guilty for not producing at the same level as I had before. I did feel that it was just a backslide and I would return to my normal self but that did not matter in the moment. I lacked the insight that I have now. I unfairly put blame on external things and did not take ownership of my role in the situation. I tried to communicate my need for changes at the law firm to the law partners and it did not go well. I was too aggressive in my communication and actions and it negatively affected my relationship with the older law partners.
I pushed too far and they held an impromptu partner meeting after the staff left one day and informed me that I they decided I needed to take a leave of absence. It was the week before Thanksgiving, so they told me to go home and come back the next Monday. I felt the message was conveyed in a very tense tone and that I was being scolded. I felt intense shame and embarrassment. I immediately felt triggered and reacted defensively and things went south quickly. I knew that I would not be able to come back. It was too much a hit to my ego. A couple of days later I submitted my letter of resignation. I made a rash decision to start my own law firm.
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