My Third Legal Job and My Mental Health: Murtaugh Law Year 5
As I mentioned last time, I had a very good year financially in 2019 but the work started to take a toll on me. The work for the Town of Dayton required me to attend evening meetings that many times lasted until 10:00 PM or later. Usually, when I had a night meeting, the next day I felt drained and mentally exhausted and it took me a while to recover.
But I was used to that and I always pushed through and worked. The first week of January in 2020 I noticed blurriness in my right eye. I closed my right eye and my vision was completely blurry. When I closed my left eye, I could see out of my right eye with no problems. This became something that I dealt with almost the entire year. I was diagnosed with central serous retinopathy. It develops when a leak forms in the layer of cells that functions to keep fluid leaking into the area under the retina surface. There is a specific test used to distinguish central serous retinopathy from other conditions. The fluid behind the retina causes a unique photographic appearance that is very distinctive on the test.
It felt so different to have a physical health issue with an objective test, than my mental health issues. However, the cause of the eye condition was most likely physical or emotional stress. So, it was a little different but also the same in a way because it was a physical manifestation of stress, like what I have experienced due to anxiety and mood imbalances.
Of course, 2020 is when Covid appeared. I felt I was ahead of the game when it came to the pandemic. During the shutdown, I think my mental health was better than normal. There was less stress from work. After things reopened, I returned to the same work schedule. I hired a second intern who also worked a maximum of 12 hours per week and I continued to work until 6:30 PM Monday through Thursday and then did the Town of Dayton work, including the night meetings. By the end the winter, I was feeling symptoms of burnout again and I considered leaving the Town of Dayton role. I decided to continue because of the financial stability it brought.
Even though I was experiencing depression and some symptoms of burnout, the intensity was much less than what I experienced before. By this point, I had so many more tools and support. I was regularly participating in peer support calls, which I found very helpful. Usually, I would be able to manage my symptoms and limit the depression to 1-3 days. And even during those days that I didn’t feel myself, I was able to work through it and many times I would start off struggling in the morning but feel much better the second half of the day. I found that my sleep was one of the best tools to manage my mental health. When I fall asleep between 9-10 pm and sleep through the night, my next day is usually good. I have found that mental illness is a treatable condition. Usually, when I do the work to manage my condition like sleep, exercise, meditate, get outdoors, and address any neglected needs it results in recovering. The challenge is sometimes it takes several days or weeks to recover. I always tell myself that this will pass. It always does. But when you are in it and you are doing the work and you still feel miserable it gets tough. That is why peer support and therapy is so important. It can be hard to deal with the weight of mental illness on your own, even if you have all the knowledge and tools.
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