Other Disclosures: Urban Meyer September 13, 2016
www.thelab.bleacherreport.com
•“I’m Not the Lone Wolf.” By Brandon Sneed
Urban Meyer – The Story
•Head football coach at Ohio State University at the time.
•Wasn’t taking care of himself
•Would forget to eat
•Stopped working out
•Lost 40 pounds
•Couldn’t sleep
•Only help he took was Ambien for sleep.
•Addictive; he took one a night at first, then two, washing them down with beer
•He couldn’t sleep without it and even with it he didn’t sleep much
•Slept maybe 4 hours a night
Urban Meyer – How I relate
•Not taking care of myself
•Being too hard on myself; restricting, punishing
Citation: Brandon Sneed, “I’m Not the Lone Wolf,” September 13, 2016, http://thelab.bleacherreport.com/i-m-not-the-lone-wolf/
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American Culture When I Disclosed
In January of 2017, Donald Trump was the President of the United States. Mass violence was on the rise. And the media coverage was brutal for people like me. Mental illness only made the headlines in negative way.
For example, the woman who killed four (4) people and injured several more by driving her car into spectators in 2015 at Oklahoma State University’s homecoming parade. The woman’s attorney argued that she suffered from a mental illness and was experiencing psychosis at the time of the crash. I am not being critical of the coverage—-it was accurate. But at time, this is the only time mental health made the headlines. There was nothing to offset the unfortunate stories about violence.
I am the first attorney in America in my generation of lawyers to publicly disclose a mental health condition. I later learned about other attorneys who disclosed earlier in their legal careers. For example, in 2009 Dan Lukasik disclosed and published a website, lawyerswithdepression.com, the first website of its kind in the United States. Also, entertainment attorney Terri Cheney published her memoir in 2008 titled, “Manic”, which detailed her experience with bipolar.
Also, I found an article published September 13, 2016 in ESPN the Magazine about Urban Meyer, who was the head football coach at Ohio State University at the time. The article was written by Brandon Sneed. The article summary states:
“Chasing Ambien with beer to sleep. Forty-pound weight loss. Chest pains. To stay in football, Urban Meyer had to address his mental health. Now, to help America tackle the issue, Ohio State’s head coach opens up in a B/R Mag exclusive.
Citation: Brandon Sneed, “I’m Not the Lone Wolf,” September 13, 2016, http://thelab.bleacherreport.com/i-m-not-the-lone-wolf/
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The Response to the Disclosure Article
Eleven (11) attorneys emailed me after the first article. Most shared that they have also experienced a mental health struggle or their child has. Of course, I wrote all of them back. I was so great to connect with all of them. I have all of the emails saved as PDFs and they have high sentimental value for me.
Most of the attorneys were from Indiana. One from Pennsylvania, another from California. One a federal judge.
I felt proud, supported, and validated.
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“I’m Not Scared of the Bipolar Stigma, it Doesn’t Define Me.”
When I agreed to write the columns for the Indiana Lawyer there was no pay wall to view the articles. A couple years later they changed their policy and now all of my articles are locked behind a pay wall. You can access a limited number of free articles each month. I reached out to the Indiana Lawyer’s Editor in 2022 and asked if they could remove the pay wall for only my disclosure article and allow me to post it on this website. They declined and said that they can’t choose individual articles to remove from the pay wall. The copyright laws allow me to quote part of the article and I can publish anything that I have re-written in my own words and write about the article.
Here is the beginning of the article:
“"My child overdosed on heroin and died.”
“My spouse was in a serious car accident and will be permanently disabled.”
“My business is failing and I am considering filing bankruptcy.”
“I am in jail.”
“Help.”
Lawyers routinely receive these calls. We are trained to help other people when tragedy hits or people hit rock bottom. But, are you taking good care of your brain? In this article, you will learn a mental fitness exercise that only takes three minutes. But first, I will share my experience with asking the Indiana Judges Lawyers and Assistance Program for help in May 2015. Since that time, I have gained the confidence to discuss it publicly. Contacting JLAP was the first step in that process.”
CITATION: Reid Murtaugh, Mental Fitness: I’m Not Scared of the Bipolar Stigma, Ind. Law. (Jan. 11, 2017), https://www.theindianalawyer.com/articles/42477-mental-fitness-im-not-scared-of-the-bipolar-stigma
Here are some other quotes from the article:
“Mental fitness is not just for people with mental illness. Everyone has unproductive, unhelpful, irrational thoughts at times. I encourage everyone to take the time to think about your own mental fitness. I am not saying that the legal profession is more stressful or more difficult than other professions; I am just pointing out that lawyers receive a large amount of emotional input and the work requires a lot of mental energy. A large emotional input without an effective release can be disruptive to someone with perfect genetic brain chemistry.”
“This is new territory for me. I have never written an article for publication before. It is not easy to be openly bipolar. There is not an instruction manual on what to do and what not to do. It is not easy to keep it private, either. I decided to be open about my bipolar diagnosis because I want to connect with other members of the profession. I want to help. I want to share my experience. At the same time, I don’t want bipolar to be my identity.”
“I contacted JLAP in May 2015. I remember how hard it was to ask for help. I typed out the email but could not convince myself to push send. I remember looking up the phone number but not calling. I think it took me two to three weeks to work up the courage to finally send this email:
“I have been struggling with my depression lately. I would like to talk someone at JLAP. Please let me know how to do this. Thanks.”
CITATION: Reid Murtaugh, Mental Fitness: I’m Not Scared of the Bipolar Stigma, Ind. Law. (Jan. 11, 2017), https://www.theindianalawyer.com/articles/42477-mental-fitness-im-not-scared-of-the-bipolar-stigma
I also included a mental fitness exercise, which I will share in a separate blog post with the other mental fitness exercises.
I feel really proud of this article. I really did not know what I was doing or what I was getting myself into. It was all intuition. I was motivated by my pain and wanting to help myself and others along the way. Writing this article—-taking the leap—-opened a whole new world for me.
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January 12, 2017: The Disclosure Article Gets Published in the Indiana Lawyer
Headshot I used for the disclosure article published in the Indiana Lawyer. The photo was taken in January of 2016.
January 3, 2017: The Submission Deadline Journal Entry
I am sitting in my office working on the article. Today is the submission deadline to the editor. I am struggling with my depression more than I have in a long time. It has been going on the last couple weeks while I have been thinking about the past and working on this article. I think the article is part of the cause but it also due to the fact that it is December. I normally experience an increase in depression symptoms during this time of the year. Thinking about the past is hard. Specifically, thinking about leaving the law firm is emotional for me. I notice unresolved emotions. It was a dark time for me. It try not to ruminate about it. I work on the article almost the whole day.
Writing the article was way harder than I expected. I felt insecure about my writing. I was so green. It was all intuition. I didn’t know how much emotion is involved with writing for publication. It triggered by brain to have irrational thoughts. I thought that the editor might reject it and decide not to publish it. I thought people would know that this was my first article and that I am not a polished writer. In the days before sending the article to the publisher I thought I made a horrible mistake by committing to write the article I didn’t think that I would be able to finish it. I thought I was going to keep revising and changing my mind and that I would not have a finished product to send. But I was able to push through and submitted the article on time.
My original title for the article was, “I’m Not Afraid of the Bipolar Stigma.”
The editor emailed me that they needed a longer title to fit the length of the page. The editor suggested, “I’m Not Afraid of the Bipolar Stigma, It Doesn’t Define Me.” I loved it and approved it. Now all that was left was to wait for the article to be published.
January 12, 2017: Disclosure Article Publication
The article was published in both the print and online version of the Indiana Lawyer. I had officially shared my bipolar II diagnosis with the world.
Internally, I was at peace. I felt calm because the act was done. There was no more going back and forth. The weight that I had been carrying was lifted. Whatever was in my future was going to happen. I did not fear negative consequences. I really just didn’t think about it anymore. I had just moved on from it. It wasn’t a thing for me anymore.
The response to the article was overwhelming. I created a new email account, reidmentalfitness@gmail.com, and put a line in the article saying that I could be reached their. As soon as the article was published, my inbox was flooded with love from people who reached out to thank me and encourage me. I never received anything but positive responses. My decision to disclose was immediately affirmed by others who had experienced their own mental health issues and people who had a child who had experienced a mental health struggle.
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November 29, 2016: Name for the Column
My pitch to the Indiana Lawyer was accepted. They agreed to let me write a quarterly column. Since it was a recurring column, they asked me for a name for the column.
November 29, 2016 2:02 PM
Here is my reply email to the editor:
The focus will be sharing my experience as a lawyer dealing with a mental illness and being open to engage with others and try to change the negative stigma.
Here a few ideas:
Freedom of Mind
Mental Health Opening Statement(s)
Mental Fitness
The editor chose Mental Fitness.
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November 16, 2016: Pitch to the Indiana Lawyer Newspaper
I reached out to an attorney colleague I already knew who had his own column for the Indiana Lawyer Newspaper. At lunch, I shared my diagnosis with him and pitched my idea about writing about mental health and wellness for the Indiana Lawyer. After our lunch, he was kind enough to write this email to the editor of the Indiana Lawyer:
By email, I would like to introduce you to Reid Murtaugh. Reid is friend and attorney in Lafayette Indiana. He and I had an interesting conversation over lunch the other day about his interest in writing some articles for the Indiana lawyer on mental health issues.
Being a lawyer and an individual who manages some of these challenges gives him a unique perspective and I thought you might be interested in speaking with him further. I will let you both take it from here, but if I can be of assistance, please do not hesitate to contact me. Thanks!
I then sent this email to the editor:
November 16, 2016 at 7:28 AM
I have been practicing since 2009, and I started a solo practice in January of this year. I recently decided to share my bipolar diagnosis publicly. I am going to write about this experience and share it with other attorneys through social media and a newsletter. I would be happy to submit content to the Indiana Lawyer. I have attached the Facebook post where I publicly shared that I am bipolar and a draft article that could be turned into an article for submission. I want focus on how you can thrive with a mental illness if you work really hard at treatment. I would like to share some of the techniques I use because I think they can help everyone in the profession.
Feel free to give me a call if you would like to discuss this further.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
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Fast Forward to October 2016 - The Facebook Disclosure
October 6, 2015
It’s now been one year since my first journal entry. I felt like it was now or never. That night, I told Courtney I was ready to do it and then sent her this email:
Reid Murtaugh Thu, Oct 6, 2016 at 7:43 PM
To: Courtney Murtaugh
“I know it is scary but it will be done and will pass soon. It is only as big as we let it be. It helps me to think about the future. You may feel panic or discomfort now but that will be forgotten soon.”
Later that night, right before I went to bed, I posted it on Facebook, turned off my phone and went to bed.
Here is what I posted on Facebook at 10:32 PM:
“This week is mental health awareness week. We all know someone--a friend, family member, co-worker, neighbor, or maybe our self--who battles mental illness. There is not shame in this. It has taken me a long time to reach this point, but I am ready to publicly say...
I'm bipolar.
On a personal level, I decided to share this because it will be therapeutic for me. It feels good to share this publicly.
But there was a lot to think about. I have been very fortunate to have loving support from my wife, family, and friends. I had to think about the future of my family. My career. My reputation.
On a broader level, I decided to share this because there still is a stigma. I am a successful, motivated, loving husband, father, son, and friend with a nasty disease. I have reached a point in my life where I feel called to take this on.
We all can do something in our own way to show love and support. Let's fight the stigma with love.”
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April 23, 2016: The Car Accident Two Days After Marlee was Born
The skid mark my vehicle made when it rolled over.
April 23, 2016
In the morning, the doctors told us we could go home. I left the hospital to run some errands. I got a hot shave. I went back to the hospital. We were now ready to bring Marlee home. I walk out to my car in the parking lot and drive to pick up our dog, Nash. I am driving home and I call Courtney to ask her what she wants me to order for dinner. We end the call and I continue driving. A couple minutes later, I saw a car to my right approaching the intersection from a side street at a high rate of speed. The car crashed into the rear passenger side of my vehicle close to the panel above the back tire. My vehicle spun sharply and I lost complete control of the vehicle. After the vehicle spun, it rolled onto to its side and then the top of the vehicle hit the road.
In that moment, the fear struck. I braced for a second violent impact and my life flashed in front of my eyes.
Luckily, my vehicle rolled all the way over and returned to upright. My vehicle was no in the other lane, but luckily there was no oncoming traffic. The vehicle jerked to a sudden stop and my left shoulder slammed into the side airbag. Many people were outside of their houses and witnessed the crash. A person quickly came up to my vehicle and exclaimed that the vehicle rolled over. Them telling me is the only way I knew the car rolled. It was a blur to me.
I escaped without any broken bones or any other major injuries. The main injury was to my neck and back. I went back to work immediately—-wearing a neck brace. Wearing a neck brace while working as an attorney (including personal injury cases) made me feel a little to close to Saul Goodman on Better Caul Saul.
I did feel the impact of the car accident mentally. I had that near death experience feeling for months afterward. I started to think, life is short. Why am I worried about who knows about my diagnosis?
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Fast Forward to April 21, 2016: Marlee Rose Murtaugh Makes Me a Dad
April 21, 2016
5:02 PM
Last night around 2:30 AM, Courtney’s water broke. We are about an hour away from delivery. Courtney has done so well. Our anniversary was last night. The past 48 hours could not have been any more special. I am feeling very calm. I feel ready to be a dad. I think Marlee will help me learn. I am at peace with whatever emotions I feel and don’t feel like I will let her down. I know I will still have my struggles, but I don’t have to be perfect. I just need to a calm presence and give all of my love to Marlee and Courtney. This experience I am about to go through is going to be beyond words.
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November 2015 - Decision Not to Disclose (For Now)
My friend designed this logo for me with his original drawing by hand.
November 2015
I did not feel comfortable publicly disclosing my bipolar II diagnosis as a law partner. I did not want my disclosure to affect my law partners. For other reasons, I decided to leave the firm and opened my own solo law practice on November 30, 2015.
Even though that reason not to disclose was resolved, I was still not ready. At the time, my wife was pregnant with our first daughter. I no longer had the security of a steady paycheck. I decided that I needed to focus on starting the business first and put off my desire to disclose.
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November 9, 2015: Researching the Idea of Public Disclosure - Have others done it?
November 9, 2015
In my journal I wrote, “The problem is I do not know anyone who has the experience of going public.” I then looked on the internet for others who had done it.
I found an article about singer Demi Lovato. I had never heard of Demi Lovato before I found the article. She released her first album in 2008 and it debuted at number two (2) on the US Billboard 200. Her sixteenth birthday was in August of that year. In 2009, she released her first album that reached number one in the US. In October of 2010 checked herself into a treatment center for “emotional and physical issues.” In October of 2011, Demi was interviewed by Robin Roberts on the television show “20/20”. There is an article about the interview published on www.abcnews.com written by Janice Johnston titled, “Demi Lovato’s Shocking Diagnosis.” The first two paragraphs of the article state:
After checking into treatment at a residential facility, teenage Disney darling Demi Lovato received a shocking diagnosis: She was bipolar.
"I had no idea that I was even bipolar until I went into treatment," the eighteen-year-old told ABC News' Robin Roberts. "I was actually manic a lot of the times that I would take on workloads, and I would say, yes, I can do this, I can do this, I can do this. I was conquering the world, but then I would come crashing down, and I would be more depressed than ever."
I also found an article published on womenshealthmag.com written by Christina Heiser, titled, “Demi Lovato Speaks Up About Living With Bipolar Disorder.” The article mentioned that Demi is the spokesperson for a new campaign called Be Vocal: Speak Up For Mental Health. and a link to the organization’s website, www.BeVocalSpeakUp.com. The website has a page “Be Vocal Yourself.” The page has tips for how to share your experience with friends and family and in the workplace.
There were not many other people I could find who had publicly disclosed. And no attorneys that I knew of had done it.
The fact that very few people had publicly disclosed made me want to do it. I saw it as an opportunity.
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October 9, 2015 Journal Entry - I Have a Dream
Journaling quickly turned into the goal of writing a book—in like two weeks or something ridiculous like that. “We Are Bipolar Strong” was my first idea for the title of the book.
After the first day of journaling, I continued because it felt cathartic. Here is an excerpt from the journal where I wrote my version of Martin Luther King Jr.’s I Have A Dream.
October 9, 2015
10:55 PM
I have a dream. I have a dream that one day people suffering from this disease and all other diseases of the mind will not be judged by the name of their diagnosis but by their strength, heart, compassion, and talent.
I am bipolar, and I hide it from most. I want to come out. But I want to do it in a meaningful way. I know there are many Americans who are just like me. We have a duty to come together and form a network to help the people who are struggling alone.
A dream that this will be the year, that 2015 will be the year to take on and conquer the stigma. For millions of people to come out and publicly acknowledge that they have been diagnosed, they are taking medicine, they are in treatment for a disease of the mind.
I have a dream for people to see the positive in mentally ill people. I have hope.
I cannot continue to hide and watch the association between school shootings and mental illness to be the only story in the media.
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October 5, 2015 - The First Journal Entry
Picture of my first hand written journal entry when I took out a legal pad in the law office and journaled for the first time in my life.
In January of 2015, I made partner at my law firm. That was followed by a major decline in my mental health. I would often feel close to a panic attack while working alone in my office and would go to the seldom used back stairwell to pace and self-soothe. Afterward, I felt intense shame for doing so. I kept my mental health struggles hidden. Then, one day instead of going to the back stairwell, I picked up a legal pad and wrote down my unfiltered thoughts. I noted the time, like lawyers do, and then wrote for a few minutes and then went back to work tasks. Here are my journal entries from the first time I ever journaled in my life at 31 years old.
October 5, 2015
9:42 AM
Sitting in my office.
I am stuck.
I need to work on this demand letter.
Struggling to start.
I don’t want to be a lawyer.
Today when I went to court I looked at the other lawyers and I do not want to be doing the same thing in 20 years.
[Thinking about working as a lawyer]
Meeting at motion hour to set a hearing date.
Conference with paralegal.
Meeting to assign research tasks.
Pressure to get a brief written and to prepare for a preliminary injunction hearing.
Blah.
I don’t want to be a lawyer but I am scared to quit.
I am afraid of missing out.
I am concerned about how people will think about me.
I am worried about my reputation in the community.
And my family.
My friends.
My law partners.
But why am I worried about them?
I want to write. I want to do good.
I have bipolar.
It is hard for me to deal with my impairment and work as an attorney.
Really, really hard.
I hurt.
I suffer.
I want to enjoy life.
9:55 AM
I just went to the restroom.
I am still stuck.
I need to start working on the demand letter.
I just want to keep writing, but I need to get to work.
My client needs me to focus.
I told the defense attorney that I would send this by tomorrow.
I asked my paralegal to do the first draft in August, which she did.
I have not even started my draft or reviewed the first draft.
Should I take a Xanax to help me?
I am feeling anxiety in my legs.
At least it is not in my chest.
I think I can go without the Xanax for now.
10:47 AM
I worked in my partner’s office because I am struggling to get motivated.
It was still hard to concentrate.
I do not want to be here.
I want to go home and sleep.
I don’t want to be bipolar.
I hate the struggle.
11:15 AM
I am stuck.
I cannot write the demand letter.
I want to write the book.
I want to go home and sleep.
I need a Xanax.
I don’t want to go to lunch with my law partner.
I am too exhausted.
I need to work on my resume.
But I just want to quit.
I want to escape.
11:27 AM
I want to buy a computer so I can start writing the book.
I could go for a swim.
Maybe that will help calm me down.
I need to stop worrying about writing the book and focus on work.
I can write tomorrow.
I am feeling unstable.
I hate leaving the office before 12:00 because it looks bad to the office staff who cannot leave early like me.
But, I hate being here right now.
11:46 AM
Took a 0.5 mg extended release Xanax.
At home, going to swim.
Feel much better.
I can make it.
I can be an attorney.
I am going to work late tonight to finish the demand letter.
Thinking about my options is driving me crazy.
Why am I thinking about it so much?
12:24 PM
Sitting in the car.
I am an idiot.
I did not get a towel at the front desk.
I did the same fucking thing two days ago.
I am wet, and I do not have on any underwear.
Why can’t I pull it together?
I am an idiot, and I am mad at myself but I feel 100% better.
Ready to get to work.
12:52 PM
How could this book not work?
How could the stigma continue?
If it works am I going be on the Today Show?
Do I want to be on national television talking about a book?
I don’t know.
I like not being famous.
Will my life change for the better?
Worse?
I am not a trained writer.
Yes, I have the story in my head but I do not know how to develop characters.
I do not want to be a hack writer.
But I just feel that I have this story to share.
I feel I have to get it out of me.
Okay, I am dressed for work again but I don’t have any clean underwear.
Calm.
Breathe.
Focus.
Pull it together.
1:04 PM
Back in office.
If I can focus for the rest of the day, I can start writing the book tomorrow.
2:27 PM
I am stuck.
Trying to push through.
I hate this.
I need to escape.
4:07 PM
Miserable afternoon.
Miserable.
Attorneys are a pain in the ass.
Including myself.
I do not want to do this anymore.
I am in the same position I was in last spring when I was really depressed.
Too far behind.
Stuck.
Miserable.
Unable to perform at my normal level.
4:21 PM
It is so nice outside.
I cannot wait to get out of the office.
4:47 PM
I do not even want to play golf.
The anxiety is in my chest and my legs.
I just want to escape.
I do not want to stay and I do not want to go.
I want relief.
I used to do this with no problem.
I am afraid of the same problem with another job.
I do not know what to do.
4:53 PM
Can I really write a book?
That is nonsense.
Crazy.
I will probably just sit in front of a blank screen.
I am no genius.
I am not a writer.
I feel bad for taking all of this time out of the work day to write this stupid rambling nonsense.
I am just a mentally ill loser.
5:29 PM
It would be a miracle because I am desperate.
I do not see any other good way out.
But this cannot work.
It is a dumb idea.
Nobody that is normal will understand.
Society cannot deal with bipolar.
5:42 PM
I finally broke through the block on the demand letter.
6:00 PM
Feeling so much better.
Should I keep working or go home?
Should I write the demand letter or start writing the book?
6:07 PM
Leaving the office.
Got a rough draft of the demand letter to my law partner.
Feeling much lighter.
9:10 PM
Just looked at internet articles about the Oregon Community College shooting.
No copies of the shooter’s manifesto available but excerpts were posted.
I could not find if the shooter was diagnosed, treated, or on medicine for mental illness.
Obama will travel to visit with the families privately.
Democrats are arguing for gun control.
Republicans are arguing the mental health system needs changed.
I am excited about writing the book.
I am worried about failing but no risk if I do fail.
I hate the inner struggle.
Career options.
Makes me think about someone like the shooter doing a similar writing exercise but writing about murder.
I cannot imagine writing a manifesto about plotting to kill.
I cannot imagine that inner struggle.
I know I cannot prevent all future school shootings but I hope I can help change the stigma and help save some kids from the darkness.
We have to come out and discuss our struggles and successes and be open with our diagnosis.
I am bipolar.
I should not hide it.
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