October 5, 2015 - The First Journal Entry
In January of 2015, I made partner at my law firm. That was followed by a major decline in my mental health. I would often feel close to a panic attack while working alone in my office and would go to the seldom used back stairwell to pace and self-soothe. Afterward, I felt intense shame for doing so. I kept my mental health struggles hidden. Then, one day instead of going to the back stairwell, I picked up a legal pad and wrote down my unfiltered thoughts. I noted the time, like lawyers do, and then wrote for a few minutes and then went back to work tasks. Here are my journal entries from the first time I ever journaled in my life at 31 years old.
October 5, 2015
9:42 AM
Sitting in my office.
I am stuck.
I need to work on this demand letter.
Struggling to start.
I don’t want to be a lawyer.
Today when I went to court I looked at the other lawyers and I do not want to be doing the same thing in 20 years.
[Thinking about working as a lawyer]
Meeting at motion hour to set a hearing date.
Conference with paralegal.
Meeting to assign research tasks.
Pressure to get a brief written and to prepare for a preliminary injunction hearing.
Blah.
I don’t want to be a lawyer but I am scared to quit.
I am afraid of missing out.
I am concerned about how people will think about me.
I am worried about my reputation in the community.
And my family.
My friends.
My law partners.
But why am I worried about them?
I want to write. I want to do good.
I have bipolar.
It is hard for me to deal with my impairment and work as an attorney.
Really, really hard.
I hurt.
I suffer.
I want to enjoy life.
9:55 AM
I just went to the restroom.
I am still stuck.
I need to start working on the demand letter.
I just want to keep writing, but I need to get to work.
My client needs me to focus.
I told the defense attorney that I would send this by tomorrow.
I asked my paralegal to do the first draft in August, which she did.
I have not even started my draft or reviewed the first draft.
Should I take a Xanax to help me?
I am feeling anxiety in my legs.
At least it is not in my chest.
I think I can go without the Xanax for now.
10:47 AM
I worked in my partner’s office because I am struggling to get motivated.
It was still hard to concentrate.
I do not want to be here.
I want to go home and sleep.
I don’t want to be bipolar.
I hate the struggle.
11:15 AM
I am stuck.
I cannot write the demand letter.
I want to write the book.
I want to go home and sleep.
I need a Xanax.
I don’t want to go to lunch with my law partner.
I am too exhausted.
I need to work on my resume.
But I just want to quit.
I want to escape.
11:27 AM
I want to buy a computer so I can start writing the book.
I could go for a swim.
Maybe that will help calm me down.
I need to stop worrying about writing the book and focus on work.
I can write tomorrow.
I am feeling unstable.
I hate leaving the office before 12:00 because it looks bad to the office staff who cannot leave early like me.
But, I hate being here right now.
11:46 AM
Took a 0.5 mg extended release Xanax.
At home, going to swim.
Feel much better.
I can make it.
I can be an attorney.
I am going to work late tonight to finish the demand letter.
Thinking about my options is driving me crazy.
Why am I thinking about it so much?
12:24 PM
Sitting in the car.
I am an idiot.
I did not get a towel at the front desk.
I did the same fucking thing two days ago.
I am wet, and I do not have on any underwear.
Why can’t I pull it together?
I am an idiot, and I am mad at myself but I feel 100% better.
Ready to get to work.
12:52 PM
How could this book not work?
How could the stigma continue?
If it works am I going be on the Today Show?
Do I want to be on national television talking about a book?
I don’t know.
I like not being famous.
Will my life change for the better?
Worse?
I am not a trained writer.
Yes, I have the story in my head but I do not know how to develop characters.
I do not want to be a hack writer.
But I just feel that I have this story to share.
I feel I have to get it out of me.
Okay, I am dressed for work again but I don’t have any clean underwear.
Calm.
Breathe.
Focus.
Pull it together.
1:04 PM
Back in office.
If I can focus for the rest of the day, I can start writing the book tomorrow.
2:27 PM
I am stuck.
Trying to push through.
I hate this.
I need to escape.
4:07 PM
Miserable afternoon.
Miserable.
Attorneys are a pain in the ass.
Including myself.
I do not want to do this anymore.
I am in the same position I was in last spring when I was really depressed.
Too far behind.
Stuck.
Miserable.
Unable to perform at my normal level.
4:21 PM
It is so nice outside.
I cannot wait to get out of the office.
4:47 PM
I do not even want to play golf.
The anxiety is in my chest and my legs.
I just want to escape.
I do not want to stay and I do not want to go.
I want relief.
I used to do this with no problem.
I am afraid of the same problem with another job.
I do not know what to do.
4:53 PM
Can I really write a book?
That is nonsense.
Crazy.
I will probably just sit in front of a blank screen.
I am no genius.
I am not a writer.
I feel bad for taking all of this time out of the work day to write this stupid rambling nonsense.
I am just a mentally ill loser.
5:29 PM
It would be a miracle because I am desperate.
I do not see any other good way out.
But this cannot work.
It is a dumb idea.
Nobody that is normal will understand.
Society cannot deal with bipolar.
5:42 PM
I finally broke through the block on the demand letter.
6:00 PM
Feeling so much better.
Should I keep working or go home?
Should I write the demand letter or start writing the book?
6:07 PM
Leaving the office.
Got a rough draft of the demand letter to my law partner.
Feeling much lighter.
9:10 PM
Just looked at internet articles about the Oregon Community College shooting.
No copies of the shooter’s manifesto available but excerpts were posted.
I could not find if the shooter was diagnosed, treated, or on medicine for mental illness.
Obama will travel to visit with the families privately.
Democrats are arguing for gun control.
Republicans are arguing the mental health system needs changed.
I am excited about writing the book.
I am worried about failing but no risk if I do fail.
I hate the inner struggle.
Career options.
Makes me think about someone like the shooter doing a similar writing exercise but writing about murder.
I cannot imagine writing a manifesto about plotting to kill.
I cannot imagine that inner struggle.
I know I cannot prevent all future school shootings but I hope I can help change the stigma and help save some kids from the darkness.
We have to come out and discuss our struggles and successes and be open with our diagnosis.
I am bipolar.
I should not hide it.
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